for some strange unknown reason, wilson noted and informed me that i'm having rashes. startled, i looked at my arms. GEEZ! they look hideous lah maciam skin disease. i hardly get rashes so it's pretty rare and i dun like them.

woke up and checked this morn and it's still there. less obvious but still around nonetheless. RARRR!!!

valentines day is just around the corner. wilson was supposed to be off that day since it's a tuesday but for some stupid stupid reason, they made him go back for work. and he can't take leave. they must've decided on it deliberately. assholes. worse off, he has to work till past mid night since the pet safari is moving up to the third floor for 3mths while the original outlet gets renovated. lotsa shifting to do.

OBVIOUSLY i'm upset but i chose not to talk about it. lotsa things went thro my mind on our way back from a dinner @ changi village. i tend to zone out and think lots when i'm upset and there's alot of things going inside. people around me will simply note my sudden quiet disposition. wilson know i'm upset but he's not the type who says things to console u. so i was pretty much left alone to deal with it. i'm not entirely sure which would be better.

i'm upset but i kept it in throughout and didn't even discuss about it up till today and don't think i'll ever bring it up. it's technically a rather small thing. since till hours later he did suggest us celebrating on the day before instead. i'm fine with that at least.

i wonder how come i can be so practical even when i'm upset. i wonder if it's healthy lol.

i was even weighing out the pro n cons in my mind when i'm upset and deciding upon which consequence of my selected behaviour would be more appropriate and positively meaningful. ranting at him won't solve anything since it's not up to him to decide his off days. saying spiteful things might release some of the anger i have inside but ultimately upsetting him as well cos he's helpless and upset as well and things will work negatively from there. he knows i'm upset so there's no point repeating the obvious. perhaps only one thing which i've hoped he'll do is to console me. but he's not the type who's good with words. the way he adopt in dealing w me when i'm upset is to leave me alone. time for me to cool down. i know this is not the exact right way to do it. some words needs to be said sometimes.

i did wonder if it's the mentality that 'well, i'm upset too' that led to the lack of consolation.

i do fear that when bigger probs happens in the future, such situations will become rather tricky and till then, i might deal with things rather more unpleasantly.

independence in solving issues urself can be like a double edge sword sometimes. sometimes i fear such inner growth. growth in strength. sometimes it brings ppl closer.. sometimes it makes ur mind clearer.. but sometimes it builds a wall inside u.. and since u think clearer now, u question and u push ppl away. what if.. one of my "strength" works against me? what if instead of giving me clearer perception it gave me prejudices as well. that i no longer empathise others the way i should? that i become careless and inconsiderate?

my folks, i know, blames me sometimes. in a way at least. that i'm a rather inconsiderate daughter. i'm not sure what to contribute that reason to. if i'm a parent, i'll probably blame "me" as well. but i simply cant relate properly. perhaps i can use generation gap as an excuse. a difference in thoughts and communication style really stiffles alot of thing sometimes. i uselessly adopt a seemingly indifferent behaviour altho wad i'm doin is merely sparing myself the emotions to deal with anything. numbing myself while others hurl things to accuse me. since i can't do anything about it, i don't wanna deal with it.

i think if someone were to ask me the way i feel things or how my thoughts are processed, the word "Ambivalence" would pop up almost immediately. The simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings towards things. it's very tiring lah. like quarreling or having a debate with urself haha..